Last night I couldn't sleep. Something rather insignificant happened earlier, and somehow this insignificant moment was a trigger. For me, triggers can be significant (a word my ex used to call me), or arguably insignificant (a seemingly unrelated incident that I somehow make a connection with to my past verbal abuse). I wish I knew exactly what triggers me, but I'm not fully there in my knowledge. I think I have a grasp on it; however, once in awhile something will happen that will seem not related AT ALL and it will still trigger me. Unfortunately, whether significant or insignificant, these triggers are emotionally and mentally crippling.
As I lay there, unable to sleep for an hour and a half, self-doubt and self-hatred ravaged my thoughts. I relived the abuse I endured by rehashing memories that I wish I could forget. This is still something I'm trying to work through. I'm sure I'll get there in time.
Arguably worse than reliving the actual abuse was what I was doing to myself. I added to my ex's abuse by verbally abusing myself. I took all the words my ex used to say to me and I said them back to myself. Except this time (like other moments this past year), these abusive phrases were in my own words, in my own voice, attacking myself harshly. "You do everything wrong," "You're not worth anything," "Everything about you is wrong," etc. This went on for an hour and a half.
Looking at those words today, I cringe. This used to happen a lot, earlier in this past year of healing, but it's less and less lately. So to go back to that place, those thoughts, for an hour and a half, is heartbreaking.
I hate that I can still fiercely hate myself from time to time, because of the seeds that were planted in my brain by another person.
I know better than this. Trust me, I do. I know my value. But yet, triggers can still happen and can still have this type of effect on me. I take solace in the fact that this type of episode happens less and less. Obviously my body, spirit and mind are healing. But the wounds are still there and can be torn apart when I least expect it.
Wherever you are, on your journey to heal, it's alright if your emotional wounds are ripped open from time to time. It's your body telling you that you aren't fully healed.
There is still work to do.
Forgive yourself for the words that fill your mind that question or attack your self-worth. Because in the next day, hour, or even moment, your vision of who you are may look drastically different.
Founder of the site Divorced at 30, Alexandra is a blogger who is passionate about speaking her truth. She is on a healing journey as she enters this new chapter in her life. A mental health advocate, she is passionate about motivating others to find “the light” and attain peace.